A Reason To Live (Reason #3) Read online

  “Told ya he’d be pissed when he got a look at her,” Gregor smirked.

  “He’ll survive,” Shane responded but kept his eye on the young buck.

  “Your girl there is a hoot on the raft, Shane,” Gregor chuckled.

  “She’s not my girl,” Shane sighed, but it felt like a lie.

  “Just a play on words. Don’t mean nothin’ by it.”

  Considering Gregor and Maxine were thick as thieves, romantically involved or not, Shane knew exactly what he meant.

  “Tell Maxine you did your best,” Shane replied, clapping the old man on the back before heading to check the rafts for air pressure.

  “It’s just the first day, boy. There’s plenty of time to change your mind.”

  That’s what he was afraid of.

  Lunch consisted of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for protein and endurance, coupled with Gatorade to replace nutrients lost from overexertion. On the river, lunch was simple, but the dinners were extravagant. Gregor always served steak, lobster, and salmon. He had a deal with Smith’s, who kept him supplied with the best quality meats for his rafters.

  Once everyone ate, Shane and the others loaded the supplies back in the Gear boat and readied themselves for the next leg of the trip.

  Shane had eaten while he checked the rafts, keeping his distance from Sage. Now that it was time to shove off, he wanted to check on her for safety's sake. At least, that’s what he told himself.

  “You take it easy out there,” Shane advised as she put on her helmet. “Your muscles are weakened from the first leg. If you fall in, you’ll have a harder time swimming.”

  “I’ll be careful,” she answered back. “But I’m not worried if I fall in.”

  “Why’s that?”

  “Because I know you’ll have my back. I trust you to watch over me,” she answered without hesitation, then threw out, “See you at the finish line,” before she turned and climbed into her raft.

  Shane froze as she walked away, blind to anything else but the woman walking away from him.

  I trust you to watch over me.

  “Christ.”

  “Let’s do this,” Gregor shouted, shoving off.

  Shane hurried back to his kayak and positioned it in the water, then he climbed in and adjusted his spray skirt to keep the water out. “Jesus, forgot my paddle,” he groused, so he detached the spray skirt and climbed out. “Damn woman has me off balance.”

  Paddle in hand, he climbed back in, secured the spray skirt, and took off after the rafters.

  The second leg was uneventful as well. The river ran at a fast pace, but not aggressive. Shane only fished two rafters out of the water and no injuries occurred.

  Sage kept looking back at him, smiling when she caught his eye, and as the day wore on, Shane’s mood went from frustrated to an all-out bad mood. Now they were organizing their supplies while the rafters picked spots to lie beneath the stars, and Shane was so tense he could split wood with his jaw.

  “I need to gather wood,” Sage stated as he and the other guides unloaded the food for the night’s meal.

  Jared, a college student home on summer break, nodded then mumbled, “I’ll help you.”

  “You find rocks for the pit, I’ll help her find the wood,” Shane ordered.

  “That works,” Sage responded, but he could hear the smile in her voice.

  “You’ll run into a wolf if you wander off. I’m just keepin’ you safe.”

  They continued sorting through the food without small talk, but Sage muttered absentmindedly, “You must be hungry,” so he stopped and looked at her.

  “Why do you say that?”

  “You’re growling,” she snickered.

  “I don’t growl,” he growled.

  Jared and the third guide, Nelson, a newly married man of twenty-five, both scoffed at him, and he looked back at the two.

  “You got something to say?” he asked, his brows raised in challenge.

  “Nope,” they both answered without looking up.

  “Just find the rocks,” Shane growled again and then picked up one of the sixty-gallon coolers and walked toward the location of the fire pit.

  “You’re looking surly,” Gregor noted when Shane set down the cooler.

  “I don’t growl,” Shane growled, yet again, and then sighed.

  “Could have fooled me,” Gregor guffawed.

  “I’m hungry, is all.”

  Turning back to check on Sage, his right eye began to twitch. Joel had decided to hang out after checking for injuries at the final put-in point of the day and was now engaged in conversation with Sage. When she threw her head back and laughed, jealousy reared its ugly head, and he whistled between his teeth to catch her attention. When Sage looked in his direction, he jerked his head toward the woods and she nodded.

  “We’re goin’ to get firewood,” he told Gregor.

  After pinning Joel with a look to warn him off, he headed toward the forest with Sage pulling up the rear.

  The sky had turned darker with clouds since they’d beached the rafts, thunder rolling in on the tails of them. Shane checked for lightning as they moved forward into the gloom of the forest.

  “I hope you can carry all the wood because my arms are aching,” Sage stated, then bent and picked up a decent sized branch.

  “It’ll be worse in the morning,” Shane answered.

  “A soak in Maxine’s hot tub would be welcome right about now,” she said, stretching her arms over her head. Images of the first night they met bombarded him as her shirt rode up, exposing her stomach. Sage in her wet T-shirt and the way it clung to her body. Her flushed cheeks and hooded eyes filled with unleashed passion after he’d kissed her.

  He slammed his eyes shut to block out the images, but they morphed into Sage on his bed, her body laid bare to him as he took his fill.

  “Earth to Shane.”

  He turned and looked at her, biting his lip to keep from reaching out and taking what he wanted.

  “What?”

  “I said, that looks like a bear print,” she explained, and he followed her outstretched arm until he saw what she was pointing to.

  “Grizzly,” he answered, staring down at the claw marks. It was a print he knew well. Booboo had broken one of his claws trying to break into Max’s house, so he left a unique pattern in the dirt.

  “Do you have your bear spray?”

  “Don’t need it. That bear’s a pain in the ass, but he’s harmless.”

  “How do you know?” she asked wide-eyed.

  “It’s one of Max and Mia’s pets. We’re on the outskirts of Max’s land, and Booboo is king in these parts.”

  “Do you think he’s still around?’ she asked, excited, looking deeper into the forest.

  Shane scanned the forest and then whistled three short bursts. It was the call he used when he wanted the bear to know he had come to feed him.

  “Does he come when you call?”

  “If he’s around, he’ll come thinking I have food,” he explained.

  Shane kept watch for Booboo as she continued to gather wood. With the last branch she placed in his arms, he noticed for the first time that the pinky finger on her right hand was slightly crooked.

  “What happened to your finger?”

  Sage glanced at her hand then looked away.

  He knew instinctively it was from the abuse she suffered at the hands of her stepfather, and he seethed, “That bastard did it, didn’t he?”

  She looked off into the distance, no doubt remembering the abuse, then she turned back to him and shrugged. “It was a long time ago and I’ve moved on.”

  “Yeah, but you have to look at the evidence of what that bastard did to you every time you see your hand.”

  “True, but I still moved on. I have moments where I beat myself up for not trying harder, as you well know, but it doesn’t control me.”

  “You don’t move on from something like that. You learn to cope, try to forget, but it’s always w
ith you,” he argued.

  “You don’t ever forget, Shane. But you do learn to move on. It was out of my control, what happened. Even when I smarted off knowing it might incite his anger, I wasn’t responsible. Simple as that.”

  Her words slammed into his chest, into that place he kept his guilt buried. He opened his mouth to argue, to defend why he was right, but he couldn’t come up with a solid rebuttal.

  “We need to get back.” Shane started toward the camp, still trying to find an argument that held water.

  He could hear Sage following as she snapped twigs under her feet, so he kept moving. He needed space from her, from the feelings she provoked.

  They were fifty yards from the river when a grunting sound reached his ears and he stopped. Turning to the left, he peered into the forest and found what he was looking for.

  “Get your ass out here, you overgrown fleabag.”

  Sage turned her head and squinted into the gloom, so Shane dropped the wood they’d gathered and pointed.

  Booboo was big for his age and would be huge like his father when he was full-grown. His dark brown coat was tipped with a lighter beige that glistened when the sun was out, giving him the grizzled appearance brown bears were known for.

  His powerful legs lumbered slowly as he made his way toward them. Shane pulled a protein bar from his front pack, opened it, and held it up for the three-year-old bear to see. He sniffed the air then picked up his pace, running toward them. Sage stepped behind Shane, peering around his back as Booboo came to a stop in front of them and grunted. Shane put out his hand to pet the bear, but Booboo decided it was time to play. He reared up on his hind legs and batted Shane down to the ground. Shane laughed, wrestling with the cub.

  “At least you don’t stink anymore,” Shane gruffed.

  Sage looked stunned as she watched them act like a couple of kids wrestling on the playground. When Booboo licked his face, he noted she finally relaxed and giggled. Standing, Shane reached out his hand. “Come say hi.”

  “Hey there, big guy,” she cooed, moving forward cautiously.

  Booboo turned his head, sniffed her outstretched hand, and licked her fingers. Her breath hitched at the contact and she smiled, her eyes shining brightly in amusement. Shane watched her carefully as she ran her hand through Booboo’s fur. Her mouth was open in amazement as she took in the three-hundred-pound bear. When she turned to Shane and smiled, her pale-green eyes radiated laughter. Her calm and open nature, lust for life, and fresh-faced beauty captivated him like nothing had in his life, and he felt his defenses weaken.

  He continued to watch her silently as she tried to feed the cub. When Booboo snatched the protein bar from her hand, she threw her head back and laughed with abandon for the first time since he’d met her. The husky quality of her voice punched him in his chest as she turned and locked eyes with his. He looked deeply into those green pools for the first time since they’d met. So deeply, he saw an alternate future than the one he’d envisioned, and the ground beneath him shifted, then tilted on its axis.

  Shane whispered, “Jesus,” as peace surrounded him like a blanket, and he took a step toward her, caught in an invisible rope of warmth, until she said, “Shane?”

  Her concerned tone cut through whatever insanity had gripped him, and he slammed his eyes shut. When he did, the earth beneath him shifted again, tilting back to familiar ground as thunder rolled with the approaching storm. Then Sage touched his arm, grounding him further in reality, reminding him why he had to keep his distance.

  When thunder cracked across the sky like an omen of impending doom, Shane knew he had no choice. For her sake, it was time to push her away once and for all.

  ***

  Shane was looking at me, but he wasn’t seeing me, so I whispered, “Shane?”

  He slammed his eyes shut at my question.

  I’d spent the better part of the day taking Maxine’s advice, but he’d been stubborn, avoiding conversation with me when he could. I decided if I couldn’t get through to him through my words, I’d work on getting through to him with my actions. I’d teased with him, flirted a bit, and let him know I believed in him. I wasn’t playing games, just showing him what a day with Sage the woman could be like, as opposed to the sister of the girl he thought he killed.

  He’d been off balance the whole trip, that was apparent, and he’d seesawed between angry and confused. There were moments I wanted to grab his face and shout he was pigheaded, but I held back. I knew I couldn’t force him; he had to reason out his feelings on his own.

  Was that happening now?

  Thunder rocked the sky like an angry giant and rain pelted the surrounding trees, but I held my breath, as he stood motionless.

  Lightning sparked across the sky, causing me to jump, but Shane didn’t move. The air in my lungs burned, desperate for escape. But I held it. Afraid any movement would interrupt whatever he was working through.

  Booboo finally lost interest and wandered through a bush in search of whatever bears look for in the woods.

  Close to half a minute passed since he’d closed his eyes, so I raised my hand and placed it on his arm. At my touch, his eyes opened, focused, then he looked down at my hand. When thunder echoed through the forest again, he jerked back a step.

  “We need to get back,” he said in a flat voice and stepped back even further.

  “Are you okay?”

  “I’m fine.”

  When he started to move away, I reached for his arm, but he shrugged it off and kept walking.

  “Shane, what’s wrong?” I followed close on his heels as he headed for the wood he’d dropped. He didn’t answer while he leaned down and picked it up.

  “Why won’t you talk to me?”

  “Got nothin’ to say that hasn’t already been said.”

  “Please, Shane, let me in.”

  His head shot up, and he glared.

  “I’m not gonna talk to you or anyone else unless I feel the need. And I don’t feel the fuckin’ need.”

  “But you were fine one minute and not the next. At least, tell me what happened in the span of a few minutes that has you so rattled.”

  “Fine?” he bit out. “I haven’t been fine since you came to town.” He continued to gather wood as he spoke, his body tense, his actions quick and sharp, full of anger.

  My resolve to keep my emotions out of helping Shane was slipping fast. I could feel panic rising it its place.

  “Shane, I’m worried about—”

  “Save your concern for your clients. My only problem is you.”

  He was lashing out for some reason, but why?

  “Please, let me help you. Or let Max help you. Can’t you see everyone around you is holding out their hand for you to grab hold of? If you don’t deal with this soon, you’ll wake up one day and find your life is behind you, not in front of you. Regret, like guilt, is a bitter pill to swallow.” I could hear the desperation in my voice to reach him.

  I must have hit a nerve because Shane dropped the wood in annoyance and stepped over it. Closing the distance between us quickly, he backed me up until I stopped out of sheer force of will. Anger coiled tightly around him, and for the first time since we’d met, his size unnerved me.

  “I don’t need savin’. I don’t need help. I just need peace from you.” He crowded me further until I put my palms up to stop him, then he grabbed my arms in both hands and tightened them. “I remember every minute,” he hissed. “The steam. The sweat drippin’ down your back. The fuckin’ taste of you on my lips and the drivin' urge to claim you when I knew I couldn’t give you what you needed. I remember all of it. And. I. Need. Fuckin’ Peace.”

  He’d leaned in closer, his face growing harder with each word he spat out about our night together as if it were disgusting instead of the amazing night it was.

  Curling my hands in his shirts I choked out, “And then what, Shane?” forcing the words past a lump in my throat. “If you get the peace you want so desperately, what will you
do with it? Hide in your house while your life passes you by?”

  “Anything,” he rumbled low, “would be fuckin’ better than lookin’ at you every day and remembering Emma Jane’s dead eyes.”

  My head jerked back as if I’d been struck and I sucked in a breath. He let go and stepped back, his face contorted in a tortured mask. Maxine was wrong. So wrong. I wasn’t his soul mate destined to save him from a lifetime of loneliness.

  I was his tormentor.

  He would never forgive himself and see me as anything but Emma’s sister, as a constant reminder of his past failures. We weren’t destined to be anything.

  Finally understanding how broken he truly was, was paralyzing.

  Staring at Shane’s blank face, I realized I hadn’t felt this empty, this lost, since Emma Jane died.

  A knot formed in my throat as reality crashed around me, so I bit my lips to keep from crying. If I hadn’t promised Gregor I’d work, I would have asked Joel for a ride back to town to save Shane the pain.

  I looked around the shadowed forest for an answer I knew wouldn’t come. I needed to leave. Rain pummeled my hair, sliding down my face to cover my tears. With no options left, other than retreat, I moved around Shane and picked up a handful of limbs as he silently watched. Once my arms were full, I took a deep breath and turned back to him.

  “When we get back on Sunday I’ll pack my bags and head out. It was never my intention to back you into a corner when I came here. I’m so sorry; I’ll leave you in peace.”

  His jaw tightened in response, but I couldn’t wait for his reply. I was on the verge of uncontrollable tears and needed to be as far away from him as possible before I broke down. My tears flowed freely as I took my first step. Each step that took me further away from a man who’d filled my heart with hope. Hope that I too would have a reason to get up each day, a reason to live.